Constant Companion

Depression is the inability to construct a future.

Depression has been my constant companion for many years.  She is a hard mistress to serve, but I serve her nonetheless.  Most of the time I can ignore her but other times she pokes at me with sharp fingers and words in my head and my heart.  These words and thoughts come to the forefront of my conscious that are detrimental. Failure, guilt, unlovable, unworthy. These words ring so true to me that I give in to them regardless of the fact that I KNOW better..regardless of my love, my friends, my intelligence.
In my more rational moments I know just who I am.  I am smart, I am funny, I am loved and love in return.  I am honest.  
I was always a precocious child. Part tomboy who loved the outdoors and animals, afraid of nothing. Secure in the fact that I was adored by my family.  Where did that child go?  Why do I question myself?  Why do I second guess myself so much?  I am so unsure of everything.
I look at my mother, sitting across the room from me and I yearn for her.  I remember the touch of her hands when I was sick-cool hands on a hot face.  How she always made everything better.  I wish it was all that easy again and wonder what happens...where does that security go?  All I ever wanted was security....someone to to take care of me, of things.  I want someone to lean on, to hand the reins to when it all gets too much and have them look at me and say "dont worry. I got this" and know that its good.  But.  Im the adult and I have to be the one that handles things and because of my depression I get easily overwhelmed.   So today I am overwhelmed and I am tired and sometimes I just wish I could go somewhere and not have to deal.  Being an adult sucks sometimes.  I have to be the one to hold it all together and what if I cant?  What if it all falls apart?   God, sometimes Im so afraid.